Ok, I’ll say it out loud.  I’m a Democrat who used to be a Republican.  I’ve played ball with both teams, so to speak.  So when I heard that John McCain had selected Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska to be his vice-presidential running mate my first thought was….”huh?”.  There is no question that she changed the character of the 2008 campaign… there still is, however, a big question on whether it was for the better or for the worse.  You decide.  Her speech on September 3, 2008 at the GOP convention was widely lauded, even by that left leaning rag, The New York Times, as a good, even great, piece of rhetoric.  For those of you who don’t remember, it lasted a little over forty-five minutes and was punctuated by repeated bouts of applause.  It was all pretty much down hill after that though.

This highly tongue-in-cheek letter to Sarah, was written, but, of course, never sent, the night after the speech and then filed away where computer stuff is filed after my darling wife, who previewed the letter, said that I was…I think her exact words were…” a mean spirited, misogynist, jack-ass”.  Hmm.  I just read the letter to her again and she grudgingly retracted the mean spirited and misogynist part but left the other.  I can live with that.

So here, I offer it to you almost seven years later.  Since McCain and Palin were soundly trounced by Team Obama, we can never know how she would have done; however, I have a pretty good idea.

A Letter to Governor Sarah Palin

September 4, 2008

Mrs. Sarah Palin
Governor of Alaska
The Governor’s Mansion
Anchorage, Alaska

Dear Sarah,

I’m writing to tell you how proud I am that a gal like you can be nominated for Vice President, and to tell you that you did a swell job in your speech last night. I must tell you, I was all aflutter before you got up there. That must have been scary to you also.

It must be nice to have all of those smart young people to write your speech for you. It certainly makes it easier when you don’t have to think about what you want to say. And Aunt Alicia told me that you don’t even have to remember it because they have a little thing right up there in front of you that has all the words and all you have to do is read it. A lot of people on the TV today said that some of the stuff you said wasn’t really true, but as I’ve heard you say before, the truth doesn’t matter that much if the cause is important enough. But then again, my momma always said that it’s not good to lie, particularly in front of a bunch of people.

You did a real good job when you talked about your family and how you’re just like all the other families in our wonderful country. I know how often you’ve said how important families are and how you always talk about family values. And wasn’t it cute to have your new little baby up there with you. If it had been my momma, she would have said it was too late for a baby to be out in a big crowd being passed around like a sack of potatoes. No telling what germs were in that big old drafty building. But it did show what a great family you have. And also the little pregnant one….she sure is cute. How old is she again? And when they said how much you were against that awful sex education in schools, I just knew that you had some pretty plain talks with her about all that stuff.

Your darling husband is just the best. He smiled the whole darn time. He must be really happy that he won’t have to fish and work in the oil fields any more. I never knew that Governors did so well….you know, on the money side. He now has plenty of time to go on those long sled races that he likes so much. But, dear, you ought to tell him to shave that little bit of hair on his chin though. It makes him look a little funny and not up to your standards. By the way, I loved your hair. It was so cute the way you had it swirled around and clipped up. You didn’t use one of those hair pieces that you tie to your own hair did you? I was a little worried about that.

I want to tell you that you made all of us small town people proud. I know you did a fine job as mayor and let me tell you….it’s a lot of work to be the mayor of a little town. Having to deal with all the parking tickets and requests for ice fishing licenses takes a lot of time… and then you have to deal with the constable, not to mention the volunteer fire department. I can’t believe that anyone wouldn’t agree that you and that Rudy fellow from New York have an awful lot in common. And you really told them about that foreign stuff. Heck, we are close to Russia up here and we have to fly over Canada all the time to get to our vacations in the States.  Who cares that you didn’t have a passport until last year. Why would you want to go to any of those other countries when you don’t speak their language anyway (and they sure don’t speak much English). I wouldn’t want to go anyplace that I couldn’t understand either.

Let me give you some good advice. If they start being mean to you, don’t be afraid to remind them that you’re a woman and deserve courtesy, even if you’ve said some tacky things about them. And if they start asking you a bunch of questions that you don’t know, just make up something and give it to them. There’s some chance it will be right, and a pretty good chance that they won’t know anyways, and you can get right by it. And another thing. Why should you have to talk to those news people? They’re all from big cities and don’t know a single thing about the real America. Listen, dear….you don’t need them, they need you.

I have oodles of confidence in you ever since I found out you were a point guard on your high school basketball team. I know how much leadership and executive decision making is involved in doing that!!! And you should have said more about your time in the PTA. Someone told me that you were vice-president for two years, and everyone knows how hard that is. No one can say anything to me about you not being qualified. I just won’t put up with it.

Best luck for the rest of the campaign, and I know you’ll have a really great time working with that McCain fellow. I’ve heard that he’s lots of fun and really nice to the people that work for him.

One last thing. I was a little confused when you were talking about those bulldogs who wore lipstick. I don’t think you look anything like that.

Your adoring best fan,

The Republican Base