After having spent almost three weeks traveling in China, and having visited spots frequented by that unusual species, Touristicus Americanus, I feel compelled to offer some rules of the road to my enlightened and inquisitive readership. My motives are pure. I simply do not want you to ever run the risk of being mistaken for one of the herd when you are abroad, Asia or else where. Some of the rules are for your safety and some are for you well being, but all are important if you care to strive for that exalted status of Enlightened American Traveler. I suggest you commit these rules to memory or at least put them on a small laminated card that you can carry and refer to frequently.
1. For all males….do not wear a photo/journalist/bush jacket unless you really are a photographer from Life Magazine or National Geographic.
2. For all females….cover all body parts at all times, and in particular, unless you are under twenty two, do not wear Bermuda or any other kind of shorts.
3. Do not wear a golf visor unless you are actually playing golf. The only people who wear golf visors in Asia are very large Korean women or members of the Japanese mafia.
4. When trying to communicate with locals whose first, and maybe only, language is other than your own, do…not…slow…down…your…speech and increase your volume. Doing so will only confuse them even more and make you seem retarded.
5. Do not, I repeat, do not ever eat food purchased from a street vendor no matter how good it looks or smells. There are at least two reasons for this rule. First, you have no way of knowing what the item really is. You may think you’re getting filet of beef in basmati rice when what you are really getting is marinated ox knuckle in white slugfish larvae. Second, notice the cooking implement. This baby likely hasn’t seen a dish washer or a Brillo pad in decades. Cleanliness is next to godliness, and it ain’t here I can assure you. NB. This is one rule that I frequently violate. I just can’t pass up those little fish fried in whatever it is they fry them in, and I’ll pretty much eat anything on a stick cooked over charcoal.
6. While we’re on eating, another word to the wise. When eating in the company of locals, do not ask what the glob of stuff they just put on your plate is or how it has been prepared. Smile knowingly, offer thanks and then, during the course of the meal, move it around on you plate slowly, and if there’s a piece of banana leaf or equivalent available, partially cover up the item. If you’re having rice, it’s always a good strategy to mix it in with the rice.
7. Do not try to speak the language. Ok. It’s all right to learn “thank you” and “good morning”, but to go beyond that is just plain foolish. First, unless you’ve been studying the language for twelve years, you will screw it up and make whatever situation you’re in much worse. Many Asian languages are tonal and something that means “I’d like a cup of hot chocolate” when said in the proper tone may mean “your sister is very good looking” when you say it.
8. Do not assume that the local person you’re speaking to understands what you are saying. They may smile and nod, but they don’t mean it. The best strategy I’ve found is to repeat it several times, and if you get the same reaction each time, there’s some chance that they understood some of what you said.
9. Don’t ask them to explain how their government works. Most of them have no idea and couldn’t explain it if they did. You will also confuse them by asking such a question.
10. Don’t get upset because the locals won’t stand in line. I don’t know why, but they just won’t do it, and to make it worse, they will push and shove to get ahead of whoever is in front of them. It’s alright to stand firm and even push back. Most Americans are so much bigger that the average Asian that they won’t fight it too much.
These are only my top ten. Heed my advice and you’ll never be mistaken for an American tourist again.
PS. I’ve got a lot more where these came from, but I’ll save them for later.
