Ok, I’ll admit it. When S. made her desire known to go to Venice on our European jaunt, my first reaction was a giant groan. First of all, I’ve been there, done that, and secondly, it’s really a white bread kind of place to go. At best, a really old European Disneyland for adults. Gimme a break….gondolas. Tourists coming out of the old wazoo. What a way to spend a few precious days when we could have been in Slovenia or some place really interesting.
But I was wrong. Well, not completely wrong. It is, more or less, a Disneyland for adults, but a very fine one, and one with significant history and culture. Don’t worry, I’m not going to give you a history and culture lecture. I know you wouldn’t stand for it. I am, however, going to tell you a few things that your travel agent won’t tell you or you won’t see in Travel and Leisure. Remember, you heard it here first.
1. Venice floods about 100 times per year. Yes, that’s right. Once every 2.4 days. And it’s even more frequent in the fall and winter. So if you’re going to be here for four days in say, September, you’re going to need your Wellies (that’s rubber boots for you American philistines). Most often we think of a flood being caused by too much rain, but here it floods without rain, although rain will make it worse. They say it’s a combination of off shore winds, phase of the moon, and tidal surges (whatever that means). You would think that flooding would be a big deal, but not here. Plus, it’s widely known that the whole place is sinking anyway. They call it subsidence. I call it really bad planning. In any case, when when the stars and the moon are in sync, and the waters rise above ankle level, they just bring out some risers, hook them together, put on their wellies, and go about their business. Yes, It did flood one day while we were there, but not very much.
2. You will get lost in Venice. That, of course, is exactly the opposite of what you read in all the guide books. They say, “yes there are 400 bridges over crooked canals, and no street goes straight for more than forty meters, and the system of addresses is incoherent, and the street signs, when they exist, are unintelligible, and there aren’t that many street lights”, but they rationalize, “it’s a small island intersected by one large canal. How could you ever get lost?” Believe me you can.
Our first night in town we had a recommendation to a casual outdoor restaurant, not more that seven minutes walk from our hotel. Thirty minutes later, having asked four non-english speaking and two semi-english speaking locals, I stumbled into the restaurant. It wasn’t even where the map said it was. On the way home after a good meal and a bottle of the local plonk, I changed strategies and asked an American looking couple with map in hand, if they could help us. They woman immediately started to give directions, and the man (who obviously had had some vini rossi himself) said, “hell, I’ve been here five days, and I’ve been lost the whole time”.
3. Do not order a gin and tonic in any hotel bar in Venice. I may have mentioned in a previous piece that I’m starting to get a little stingy about things, but I’ve never been stingy about my potion of juniper juice and quinine water. Some things you just have to have. There are two reason why I offer this admonishment. First, you may be the only person to have ordered a G & T since Hemingway was here, and they will possibly not understand you, and at best, they will think that you’re just another crazy gringo. Secondly, the common, every day glass of vitamin G will set you back more $$$ than any other drink on the menu. More than a vodka martini with three olives, more than an Old Turkey old fashioned, and certainly more than any vino they sell by they glass. At first this drove me mad, but finally a compassionate barkeep explained. “Well sir,” he said, “first we have to sell you the gin, then we have to sell you the tonic, and, voila we sell you then gin and tonic. Two prices, one drink”. That was my last G and T on this trip. It cost, if you’re counting twenty-three Euros. I think………yep, it’s about $33.81. An $11 coke I can handle, but not this.
4. Stay in a hotel that’s connected to the water. This bit of insight should be read together with another rule, which is “don’t go cheap and try to avoid paying the $150 fare for the water taxi from the air port to the hotel”. A little geography here. Your hotel could reasonably be in one of three places. The Lido which is a long narrow island about three km from Venice wherein resides numerous resort type hotels for those who require beaches with their culture, in Venice facing the lagoon or one of the too-numerous-to-count canals, or in Venice not facing……you get the idea. Those of us in the know and willing to eat our wallet are met at customs by a representative of the hotel who leads you to a mini-van who drives you to the water port three minutes hence, loads you on to a private water taxi who whisks you to the dock at your hotel in about thirty minutes after a spectacular trip up the Grand Canal. Same for the Lido. But for those who think they can out smart the system and have gone cheap with an inland hotel……you will pay and pay and pay. Here’s the system for that. You recover your luggage and haul it to the bus terminal or the public water taxi terminal and schlep it on board. You are then taken to a public disembarkation point on the edge of Venice. You then have the choice of humping it all the way to your hotel or taking yet another public water taxi known as a vaporetto to a landing point hopefully somewhat nearer your hotel. Then you must find your hotel. Refer to #1 and #2 above. Think about doing this at night, with a map in your hand, dragging luggage up and down bridges while your wife is declaiming your stupidity and stinginess. We met a couple hauling at least 100 pounds of luggage who said they had been wandering for an hour and a half and had lost hope of ever getting to their hotel. See what I mean.
5. Don’t pay a sit down price for a stand up drink and vice versa. I’ve always thought that the epithet, “he’s a stand-up guy” was a compliment which suggested that the fellow in question was worth casting your lot with. Come to find out, it means no such thing, or at least in Venice it doesn’t. It pretty much means you’re a cheapskate. Lemme explain. Like everything else in this place there are layers on top of the layers of complexity of meaning. For example, the three tiered pricing system for getting drinks or food. The first tier is the stand up price. That is to say, you place your order, you mill around for awhile wondering what’s happening, sooner or later your drink, food or what not is plunked down on the counter, and you stand there, cheek by jowl with the madding crowd taking your pleasure. There may be six empty tables standing free nearby, but don’t even think about taking the stuff you’ve paid for and sitting to imbibe, for you haven’t paid the sit down price. Which is the second tier. You stand up, order your stuff, pay the sit down price (about 50% higher), get your stuff and take it to the table and sit down to chow down. Be sure to keep your receipt for surely a stand up/sit down checker will come by and demand evidence that you belong where you are sitting. Woe be unto the poor unsuspecting tourist who takes his stand up stuff and sits down. The checker will berate you to great shame. Then there’s the third tier which envolves some combination of music, sitting, and eating/drinking. It’s a lot more expensive and I don’t see much reason to spoil my glass of plonk with bad Bach, so I don’t have first hand knowledge. I’m told, however, that it’s the standard practice to make you pay through the nose. Maybe that’s why all those chairs are mostly empty except for the odd Korean tour group.
Remembering only these five simple rules of the road for Venice will save you untold pain and agony, not to mention beaucoup Euros. If your really interested, I’ve got lots more where these came from.
